Learning to Love “Her”

Learning to Love “Her”

Now that you’ve met the biological mom of your step child, the hard part’s over, right?! Oh sweet, dear, naive girl…..no. Your journey has just begun. You only THOUGHT you’ve gone through the tough stuff with that nervous initial meeting, but you’ve merely just opened that bag of chips- the salt has yet to reach your tongue.

In an ideal world, “she” and I would be best friends. We would spend afternoons having lunch at over-priced sandwich shops, enjoying window shopping for all of the decor that we would love to put in our out-of-reach dream mansions, then sipping coffees that we could have made for a fraction of the cost at home. We would gush over all the frilly outfits to dress our little girl in, take turns in the carpool line, and both be Team Mom… Let me just stop you right there- this isn’t an ideal world. This is the real world, where the fact is she’s your husband’s ex. He said “I love you” to her. He’s done “the grown up” with her (ew, double up, ew ew on that mental image). She had his baby before you did. There’s a complex history there that can damage a bond before it even begins to form. There was also a break up at some point, that most likely incinerated any chance of your husband EVER thinking you two ladies should be BFF’s before it even became a notion.

With all the deep seeded roots of the past constantly present in my face, it’s easy to hate her- and sometimes, in my lowest moments, I really, really want to. As cliche as it sounds, hating “her” is only damaging ME. I had to learn how to love “her”- that’s been a tremendous challenge and an ongoing battle. One of my favorite quotes that completely validates my feelings (and I have to refer back to it as a reminder from time to time)… “I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.”- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

On my journey of loving “her”, it makes it easier when I remember that’s she’s the reason my step child exists, her achievements and downfalls in a past relationship helped prepare the heart of the man that now belongs to me. In a weird way, her steps- both good and bad- partly paved the way to where I’m at in my life right now. For those things, I am thankful.

“She” and I aren’t BFF’s. We’ve never gone shopping, nor had coffee together- and we probably never will. We will more than likely continue to have forced conversations during pick-ups and drop-offs, and they won’t ever include those dream mansions that we’ve both pre-decorated on our Pinterest pages. What’s most important to me in my relationship with her?…. That I have a love for her that doesn’t demand reciprocation. That we respect one another. That we are cordial. Why is that important to me?…. Because although we don’t live in an ideal world, those things ARE, in fact, possible.