Meeting “Her”
It was the end of February 2011. I was newly
engaged, and excited about the upcoming nuptials and fresh start in my life. I had fallen in love not only with a man, but also with his, at the time, four year old daughter. By saying “I do” in a few months, I would be immediately embarking on my journey as an instant family, as I knew they were a “package deal”. I didn’t have the slightest inclination of what it meant to be a step mother. At that moment, all I could focus on was the inevitable meeting that I would have with the biological mother.
It was time to meet “her”. The mother of the child that I had fallen in love with, the woman who stole my husband-to-be’s heart before I did, the woman who society coins as my “arch enemy”. I was incredibly nervous- do I hug her, do I shake hands, do I sit in the background and wave from a distance?! Having a face-to-face encounter with a woman, who plays such a tremendous part in both my future husband and step daughter’s lives, was something I wasn’t quite ready for.
The impending visit was weighing heavily on me, and certainly taking its toll. I found myself picking fights with my fiancé over insignificant matters, which we never previously did. I wanted to back out in the worst way possible. I could say I needed to run errands, wash my hair, or take an impromptu vacation that started immediately- but if I was about to commit my life for better or for worse to this man, I needed to put on my big girl panties, grit my teeth, and smile for an hour. After all, he did request that I be in attendance, so I needed to be there for him.
I contemplated faking diarrhea, or proclaiming another SARS epidemic to avoid getting out of the car, but decided my fiancé probably needed my support, and it was my time to step up to the plate. To my satisfaction, there was little interaction between her and I- it was mostly between her and her daughter, with an awkward word or two here and there to us. There was a brief hug between her and I when we left, and I prayed that she wouldn’t feel the inch of nervous perspiration that was flowing just below the surface of my sweater.
In the years since that initial meeting, we’ve had dozens upon dozens of face-to-face visits, several lengthy phone calls, and text on a regular basis. I still find myself easily irritable on days when she becomes the topic of conversation- that’s a wild horse of mine that I’m still trying to tame. What I know now, that I didn’t know at that very first meeting? Step parenting takes co-parenting to a whole different level- there are now four parents versus two. Women can be so competitive and judgmental towards one another when it comes to being a mother- try being a mother to the same child?! Two mamas and one child can easily present immense difficulty- trying to find a balance in all the craziness has been the key to my journey as a step parent thus far. What it all sums up to- there’s no one way to do things right, every child and parent situation is different. As long as everyone is working toward the greater good, the path of getting there is your own. I’m learning everyday about how to be the best step parent I can be- it’s a process- but I have learned that it’s much more complex than just becoming an instant family and meeting “the ex”… that’s only the beginning!
SnapScott Photography
It was the end of February 2011. I was newly engaged, and excited about the upcoming nuptials and fresh start in my life. I had fallen in love not only with a man, but also with his, at the time, four year old daughter. By saying “I do” in a few months, I would be immediately embarking on my journey as an instant family, as I knew they were a “package deal”. I didn’t have the slightest inclination of what it meant to be a step mother. At that moment, all I could focus on was the inevitable meeting that I would have with the biological mother.
It was time to meet “her”. The mother of the child that I had fallen in love with, the woman who stole my husband-to-be’s heart before I did, the woman who society coins as my “arch enemy”. I was incredibly nervous- do I hug her, do I shake hands, do I sit in the background and wave from a distance?! Having a face-to-face encounter with a woman, who plays such a tremendous part in both my future husband and step daughter’s lives, was something I wasn’t quite ready for.
The impending visit was weighing heavily on me, and certainly taking its toll. I found myself picking fights with my fiancé over insignificant matters, which we never previously did. I wanted to back out in the worst way possible. I could say I needed to run errands, wash my hair, or take an impromptu vacation that started immediately- but if I was about to commit my life for better or for worse to this man, I needed to put on my big girl panties, grit my teeth, and smile for an hour. After all, he did request that I be in attendance, so I needed to be there for him.
I contemplated faking diarrhea, or proclaiming another SARS epidemic to avoid getting out of the car, but decided my fiancé probably needed my support, and it was my time to step up to the plate. To my satisfaction, there was little interaction between her and I- it was mostly between her and her daughter, with an awkward word or two here and there to us. There was a brief hug between her and I when we left, and I prayed that she wouldn’t feel the inch of nervous perspiration that was flowing just below the surface of my sweater.
In the years since that initial meeting, we’ve had dozens upon dozens of face-to-face visits, several lengthy phone calls, and text on a regular basis. I still find myself easily irritable on days when she becomes the topic of conversation- that’s a wild horse of mine that I’m still trying to tame. What I know now, that I didn’t know at that very first meeting? Step parenting takes co-parenting to a whole different level- there are now four parents versus two. Women can be so competitive and judgmental towards one another when it comes to being a mother- try being a mother to the same child?! Two mamas and one child can easily present immense difficulty- trying to find a balance in all the craziness has been the key to my journey as a step parent thus far. What it all sums up to- there’s no one way to do things right, every child and parent situation is different. As long as everyone is working toward the greater good, the path of getting there is your own. I’m learning everyday about how to be the best step parent I can be- it’s a process- but I have learned that it’s much more complex than just becoming an instant family and meeting “the ex”… that’s only the beginning!
